Introduction

My name is Cyndi Stolpa, and I have had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder now for 9 years. My OCD manifests itself in a little known and very misunderstood condition called Dermatillomania, where one chronically picks at their skin, usually without realizing it. For many years I felt that I was all alone in the world, that no one could possibly understand what I was going through. When I was 20, I found an online community of people who were going through the same struggles as I was, and I couldn’t have been happier.

By having this venue to both give and receive support, I am finally in a sort of remission stage. I have wanted to become a model since I was 14, but the condition that my OCD left my skin in always prevented me from that dream. In fact, my OCD kept me from a lot of things. I couldn’t leave my home or have people over without spending hours on my makeup, trying to cover the blemishes that I was causing to myself, I dreaded going to the beach or pool, for fear that my makeup would wash off and everyone would see me for what I am, I even have trouble letting my boyfriend of four years see me without my makeup. My condition causes me so much anxiety that it was slowly taking over my life.

My picking stems from the desire to remove blemishes from (mainly) my face, thereby (theoretically) leaving me with a clearer complexion. Of course, the reasonable part of my brain knows that this makes no sense, and that my blemishes need to be left alone in order to heal. So, it's an ongoing cycle.

For years after I first started, I was convinced that I simply had acne. So when I tried all the conventional means of treating acne, I couldn't understand why nothing worked. It was so depressing, and my family kept trying to "help" in their own way, by suggesting different ways to treat acne, which of course I don't even have. I've tried virtually every product for acne that I could find. The only thing I wasn't able to do was to go to a doctor/dermatologist because I couldn't afford it. My only conclusion at the time was that I must have had some crazy variation of acne that no product could help. I had no idea.

I think that I first realized my true problem of Compulsive Skin Picking when I was in college, after I had been dating my current boyfriend for about a year, year and a half maybe (we've been together now for 4 years). It was he who noticed my constant picking, and he's been trying stop me for years now. But this revelation got me curious, and so I finally Googled "skin picking". I was honestly shocked that there were other people out there that did this too, and I cried. I cried because I had felt so alone for so long, and so ashamed of what I had been doing to myself for so many years, and now I finally knew what was wrong with me, and that there were others out there who knew my pain.

And so my research began. Now, this was only two years ago, but there is already a massive amount of more research and information out there now than there was then. Most of what was available to me was about Trichotillomania, which is compulsive hair pulling, and not directly about Dermatillomania. But I took what I could get. And, probably most importantly, I found my online community. Unfortunately, I also found all of these web sites that told me they had "found the cure" for skin picking but wanted me to pay $100 or something just to know what this "cure" was. Because of my financial state, it was very disheartening.

However, very recently (within the last 2-3 months) I have noticed society itself has been sitting up and taking notice of people with OCD in general. With television shows like "Obsessed" and "Truth be Told - I Have OCD", it has made me feel less like an outsider.

I think that just the idea that it's not my fault, that there are people out there who understand me, is making it easier for me to let go of my compulsion. I think that this is part of the reason that writing my lines is working so well. I have adapted a treatment for Trichotillomania that I have heard of: kind of like when you get in trouble in grade school and the teacher makes you write lines on the chalkboard, I write lines in my notebook. I vary each page, but I always include "I don't need to pick".

For example, I have a page of "I don't need to pick, I love myself", a page of "Flaws are ok, I don't need to pick", and a page of "I am beautiful, I don't need to pick". Whenever I feel the urge to pick, or catch myself picking, I look at what I've written to remind myself that I don't need to pick. Or, I write some more lines.

Because of this, and the fact that I have finally started to gain control of my compulsive skin picking, I feel that I could be an inspiration to those out there who, like me, thought they were so alone in this world. I want to show my fellow sufferers that it is possible to control their picking, instead of letting the picking control them. I want to bring Dermatillomania to the attention of the general public, so that sufferers can know that they don’t have to suffer in silence, and that they can, in fact, be beautiful.