Well, that's all the background info I have on what I've been *trying* to do to combat my dermatillomania. I hope you get the chance to read it, if not, that's ok too. I am honestly committed to helping anyone out there who suffers like I do, in any way that I can.

<3

September 24, 2009 at 12:46am

Hey all, I've been at this Line Writing thing for about 3 weeks now, and I thought I'd stop in and say hi. =)

Overall, I must say that I'm pretty happy with my progress so far. Recently, I even went a week without writing any lines, simply because I didn't need to. Yesterday, though, I picked 3 spots pretty good. I felt like crap afterward and sat down and wrote 2 full pages of lines. I felt much better once I was done.

The upside I guess, is that, because I had left my skin alone for so long, I really didn't have a whole lot to pick at once I did relapse.

I guess it just goes to show how much dermatillomania is like alcoholism or an addiction to a controlled substance: I have the feeling that I'll never be "cured" of it, but instead will always be in recovery/remission. I think that it will (unfortunately) be a constant battle with myself.

I know that there are those who have found relief from picking through medication, and to them I want to say a huge congratulations! However, I'm not really fond of taking medications for extended periods of time (other than my birth control lol). I'm afraid of dependency. =/

I've also got an updated picture posted to the group, if anyone's interested. I really hope that me writing on here is helping someone, even if they're not writing their own lines. And for those who are writing lines, I would really love to know how it's going!

♥

"I am beautiful, I don't need to pick."

September 9, 2009 at 10:42pm

147 hours.

I've slipped up once or twice, but I've only caused myself to bleed once in this entire time. And that's a huge step for me, as I used to make myself bleed many times a day. It was like I was mutilating myself, over and over again. I've posted a few pictures of my progress, which is also a big step. Letting other people see me without makeup makes everything much more real, and for years I've just been trying to ignore it, and hope that it'll just go away.

Today I thought of something that happened to me this past summer: it was on a day that was pretty bad, skin wise, and I was at the laundromat. There was this little girl there with her mom, and the girl came up and was talking to me, and she asked me what was wrong with my face. This hurt so much I almost cried. I mean, what do you even say to that?

Anyway, I'm really happy with myself right now, that's all. =)

Now, I'm able to use regular face wash (and even facial scrub!) without it burning the open wounds on my face. I'm hoping the scrub will help to lighten the scars. My makeup routine takes MUCH less time now and I use less of it; it's much easier to cover scars than sores, and I'm not running to the bathroom constantly to check my face, apply more makeup, pick some more, etc.

Yay me!

♥

"Flaws are ok, I don't need to pick."

September 5, 2009 at 8:28pm

72 hours. I haven't been this happy about my skin in years!

I won't lie and say that I've had absolutely no slip ups, but I've done only very minor picking, and only a few times. And the picking that I did was only on blemishes that had dried on their own, to the point where they were falling off anyway. Not that that is my ideal situation, but I'm getting there. I'm really getting there.

At this point, I'm just excited to have gone 72 hours without causing myself to bleed, which I've done almost every day of my life since I was 14....

♥

"I am beautiful, I don't need to pick."

September 4, 2009 at 10:28pm

I've also tried different things to stop myself from picking:

Fake Nails
Snapping Rubbers Bands on my Wrists
Dimming the Lights in the Bathroom (so it's harder to see flaws in the mirror)
Putting Notes on Mirrors (Don't Pick!)
My Boyfriend (and sometimes my mom) yells at me....

Nothing seemed to work very well, and I always got incredibly frustrated with myself. =[ It was like I was letting myself down, and there was nothing I could do about it.

BUT, by writing lines in my notebook, I'm now up to 50.5 hours pick-free! You know the saying "one day at a time"? Well, for now I can only handle one hour at a time, and I'm ok with that. For now. But I'm optimistic that I can work my way up to days. I look and feel really good right now, and I'm excited to keep this up!

♥

"I control my picking, it doesn't control me."

A New Beginning? (written 9-3-09, 4:46pm)

I wrote several entries on the discussion board of the Facebook group Dermatillomania Awareness, but I figured that in order for this to make sense as a blog, I should put them here as well.
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Originally written 9-3-09, 4:46pm
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I saw an episode of Truth be Told on TLC, about OCD. One girl had Trich, which of course is similar to Derm. She pulled her hair out mostly subconsciously, which is my problem with picking, so I paid pretty close attention to the bits of her treatment that they showed. What they showed her doing, with her therapist, was verbal repetitive positive reinforcement while simultaneously stimulating pressure points on her hands, chest and head.

So as not to sound like a crazy person around my family (lol), I've adapted this treatment, and it actually seems to be working for me (so far). Kind of like when you get in trouble in grade school and the teacher makes you write lines on the chalkboard, I write lines in my notebook. I vary each page, but I always include "I don't need to pick".

For example, I have a page of "I don't need to pick, I love myself", a page of "Flaws are ok, I don't need to pick", and a page of "I am beautiful, I don't need to pick". Whenever I feel the urge to pick, or catch myself picking, I look at what I've written to remind myself that I don't need to pick. Or, I write some more lines.

I keep the notebook near me at all times. So far it's really been helping, as I've almost hit the 24 hour mark of no picking since starting this routine. I know I've got a long way to go, but in just the 20 hours of not picking, my skin is already looking better.

I'm 22 and I've been picking since I was 14, and I just really, really want to stop. If this Line Writing works for me, then I want everyone to know, because we're all in this together.... And hopefully this suggestion will help other people too....

♥

Introduction

My name is Cyndi Stolpa, and I have had Obsessive Compulsive Disorder now for 9 years. My OCD manifests itself in a little known and very misunderstood condition called Dermatillomania, where one chronically picks at their skin, usually without realizing it. For many years I felt that I was all alone in the world, that no one could possibly understand what I was going through. When I was 20, I found an online community of people who were going through the same struggles as I was, and I couldn’t have been happier.

By having this venue to both give and receive support, I am finally in a sort of remission stage. I have wanted to become a model since I was 14, but the condition that my OCD left my skin in always prevented me from that dream. In fact, my OCD kept me from a lot of things. I couldn’t leave my home or have people over without spending hours on my makeup, trying to cover the blemishes that I was causing to myself, I dreaded going to the beach or pool, for fear that my makeup would wash off and everyone would see me for what I am, I even have trouble letting my boyfriend of four years see me without my makeup. My condition causes me so much anxiety that it was slowly taking over my life.

My picking stems from the desire to remove blemishes from (mainly) my face, thereby (theoretically) leaving me with a clearer complexion. Of course, the reasonable part of my brain knows that this makes no sense, and that my blemishes need to be left alone in order to heal. So, it's an ongoing cycle.

For years after I first started, I was convinced that I simply had acne. So when I tried all the conventional means of treating acne, I couldn't understand why nothing worked. It was so depressing, and my family kept trying to "help" in their own way, by suggesting different ways to treat acne, which of course I don't even have. I've tried virtually every product for acne that I could find. The only thing I wasn't able to do was to go to a doctor/dermatologist because I couldn't afford it. My only conclusion at the time was that I must have had some crazy variation of acne that no product could help. I had no idea.

I think that I first realized my true problem of Compulsive Skin Picking when I was in college, after I had been dating my current boyfriend for about a year, year and a half maybe (we've been together now for 4 years). It was he who noticed my constant picking, and he's been trying stop me for years now. But this revelation got me curious, and so I finally Googled "skin picking". I was honestly shocked that there were other people out there that did this too, and I cried. I cried because I had felt so alone for so long, and so ashamed of what I had been doing to myself for so many years, and now I finally knew what was wrong with me, and that there were others out there who knew my pain.

And so my research began. Now, this was only two years ago, but there is already a massive amount of more research and information out there now than there was then. Most of what was available to me was about Trichotillomania, which is compulsive hair pulling, and not directly about Dermatillomania. But I took what I could get. And, probably most importantly, I found my online community. Unfortunately, I also found all of these web sites that told me they had "found the cure" for skin picking but wanted me to pay $100 or something just to know what this "cure" was. Because of my financial state, it was very disheartening.

However, very recently (within the last 2-3 months) I have noticed society itself has been sitting up and taking notice of people with OCD in general. With television shows like "Obsessed" and "Truth be Told - I Have OCD", it has made me feel less like an outsider.

I think that just the idea that it's not my fault, that there are people out there who understand me, is making it easier for me to let go of my compulsion. I think that this is part of the reason that writing my lines is working so well. I have adapted a treatment for Trichotillomania that I have heard of: kind of like when you get in trouble in grade school and the teacher makes you write lines on the chalkboard, I write lines in my notebook. I vary each page, but I always include "I don't need to pick".

For example, I have a page of "I don't need to pick, I love myself", a page of "Flaws are ok, I don't need to pick", and a page of "I am beautiful, I don't need to pick". Whenever I feel the urge to pick, or catch myself picking, I look at what I've written to remind myself that I don't need to pick. Or, I write some more lines.

Because of this, and the fact that I have finally started to gain control of my compulsive skin picking, I feel that I could be an inspiration to those out there who, like me, thought they were so alone in this world. I want to show my fellow sufferers that it is possible to control their picking, instead of letting the picking control them. I want to bring Dermatillomania to the attention of the general public, so that sufferers can know that they don’t have to suffer in silence, and that they can, in fact, be beautiful.