Somehow, I get a sort of perverse pleasure from doing what I do to myself. It's so odd, I know that I shouldn't do it, I know that it destroys my skin and my self-esteem, and I know that I want to stop.
So why can't I? What is it about this disorder that keeps reeling me back in, even after quitting, sometimes for weeks at a time? It makes no sense to me. They tell me that it's some sort of impulse control thing, where picking makes me feel like I'm in control of my skin. But I disagree, because I have no control over my picking whatsoever. At lest it seems that way....
To me, it feels like my picking controls nearly every aspect of my life: my social life, because I feel that people can only see my horrible skin, rather than who I am as a person. My professional life because I feel that no one really takes me seriously when I look like I have a disease or that I'm an adolescent with a bad skin problem, take your pick....
Now, you'll notice that I start a lot of my sentences start with "I feel". There's a good reason for that. The impacts that my skin has on various aspects of my life, as I described above, are mostly just in my head. If you were to ask those closest to me, or even those I have been fortunate enough to meet in my online dermatillomania forums, most would tell you that they don't really notice my skin. In fact, I'm told on a fairly regular basis that I'm beautiful or "hot", even by complete strangers, so, theoretically anyway, my skin can't be as bad as I think it is, can it?
This condition, this curse, this cross for me to bear, has whittled away at my self-esteem for the past 9 years, and let me tell ya, I don't have a whole lot left.
I want to stop, I need to stop, I just don't know if I can make myself allow myself to stop. It's kind of like being bipolar, in a way: half my brain would do anything to make the picking stop, and the other half would do anything to keep going. Unfortunately, the latter half seems to be winning. Which makes me sad.
And so this inner war-like turmoil rages on....
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People have also told me I'm beautiful, hot. It doesn't mean anything to me, though - all I can see is everything wrong. We really need to change this.
ReplyDeletePeace and love,
Veva
I I know exactly what you mean about the whole thinking that is all everyone sees. I don't believe people when they say they don't notice/don't care. It can get difficult.
ReplyDeleteHey Hey again. I'm just commenting everyone to let you all know that I started an IRC chat for us. Check my latest entry for the url. Hope to see you there in the future!
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI came across this blog somehow... I definitely suffer from dermatillomania, and I hate how it is has affected my self-esteem. I am 25 now, and I still suffer from feeling like when people look at me, they only see my horrible skin. When I was in high school, my dad would try to get me to stop by telling me I was making myself look ugly by picking at my skin. He would constantly grimace at my face whenever he would see that I picked at it. It was hard to be told by my own parents that I looked ugly. I know they were just trying to help, but psychologically, telling your daughter that she's ugly at the age of 15/16 does a lot of damage to her self-esteem. Just today, this jerk at school messaged me on facebook with simply: "Take care of yourself" and then posted a link to a dermatologist. He wasn't trying to be nice about it either, he was definitely trying to be an asshole. I wish I could tell him that I have a slight OCD, and that it's not a matter of me not taking care of myself, but that I can't help doing what I do to my skin... I'm too embarrassed though to actually tell him that I have an OCD. Anyways, I wish I could get therapy for my skin-picking, but it's so expensive, and I'm a very poor grad student. *sigh*
-Jessica
Oh, it's nice to know that there are others like me out there and I'm definitely not alone with my problem. Dermatillomania...for quite a long time I refused to believe that I actually had this condition, but if I'm unable to stop then what else can it be. It's a weird feeling when you want to stop but for some ridiculous reason you can't, you just won't. I am devastated when I see myself in the mirror. I want to believe that the person I see in the reflection is not me but it's quite impossible, even if my friends tell me I look good. Mostly I pick on my face and back and the scars that I have left are horrible and I'm terribly afraid to show them to anyone. I study physiotheraphy and during my studies there are times when we have to wear a bikini to examine one another...I guess you can only imagine how embarrassing this is when you are suffering from dermatillomania.
ReplyDeleteI have tried many different ways to stop but haven't found the best solution yet...maybe wearing gloves has been the best one so far because when I feel that I just don't have control over this then stopping myself physically is the only thing that helps (temporarily). I could write so much more about how difficult it is for me to deal with this, but well, it would take a lot of time.
Right now I am trying to do everything I can to fight this addiction.
I understand the confusion you feel on the "why do I's" & the feelings they then incur :-(
ReplyDelete.First feeling is whatever "triggers" the behavior/obsession-since whatever it is tosses up into to mindset to do this picking!
.Second (I think), is then the overwhelming hodgepodge of emotions that simultaneously & continuously occur during the whole session: slight euphoria at having cleared the blocked pore; fear that it will not only last an undetermined amount of time but also "can I stop this time ," "how much visual/potentially lasting damage is going to result from ME today?," "will it ever stop!?!?," "can I at least stop myself from using a tool for those that are hard to reach or stubborn if I really-super try?," "will the swelling go down and the little blood marks reduce in severity ENOUGH in time for ________ or before work?" & so very many more!! Ugh!
.And near the end of the most recent "battle" there is most definitely anger at ourselves for not only only have succumbed to the urge, but also for not stopping the first time you screamed it at yourself in your mind and said "Just walk away from the mirror Jess!!!! (My own name)
.There is guilt for feeling as if you just aren't "strong enough to tell yourself NO or stop after realizing you aren't just "taking care of that 1 visible zit or blackhead"
.Fear that "maybe this is something more than Dermatillomania, maybe I am a freak or there is something so-seriously wrong with ME"
.There is the shame because you know, KNOW that "I did this to me, people are going to catch a glimpse also KNOW that I did .
There is the anxiety over what people think & what conclusions they "must" draw when they see; and anxiety over worrying if what you just did (last session) was the "polite limit" someone who cares for you will exceed if they see it and push you into seeking help that you feel would cause them to give up on you when they don't see immediate positive results (which is only in our heads since this person cares for you) or THAT SPECIAL PERSON will start to look at you with disgusted eyes.
.
Oops, sorry about posting before finished & thank you for not being mad about how *sigh* long winded I can (& often am)!! To finish:
ReplyDeleteOther feelings that follow a torture session are:
.False hope-I'm sure the thought that "one day this will end & I will have amazing skin like all those other people walking side-by-side with me through life," & "I know that even though my skin looks like hamburger now, it will be all healed and those dark spots (which really are scars & w
e know it), will be gone also" maybe even the thought "I can't wait until Igrow out of this, most likely this year since I seem to be sickened more compared to last year!)
.The self-hatred feeling because you think "Ha! I am strong and could stop if I REALLY wanted to, I'm just lazy or coping with something at the moment or that you are just sick in the head." The hatred thought of I do this because I KNOW that I am gross and the only reason no one else has figured it out is because I am a master deceiver, and maybe no one really cares about me enough to bother."
.The wondering if this is really only an impulse disorder or is something else going on? Like maybe this is me punishing myself for _______; maybe not making a deadline or the grade, making a judgment miss-call, forgetting my child's _______; and so on...do I need some REAL help or am I just thinking this as a diversion from the actual problem at hand.
I know most people who have this "Dermatillomania" JUST HAVE TO experience some of these thoughts (& many more not mentioned as a courtesy to avoid sounding TOO redundant -haha, too late :oP) I truthfully just found out that this "angry adjective here" that I thought was only me,that I'm the only person who could POSSIBLY feel these conflicting emotions and STILL do this to myself for hours on end, was actually shared by others-actually had a name, a history, a bit of origin & that there are treatment options! Only a few hours ago (3 tops), I accidentally clicked on Dermatillomania accidentally when scrolling on possible side effects for a new medication I'm researching! I rapidly clicked link after link, visually absorbing every word on every site-and then laughed/cried in relief! I am not crazy & have to thank you, from the bottom of my heart for posting this!
You are a remarkable woman to have tapped your bravery to open and bring a "real person" feel to this. I truly hope many others like me happen onto your blog, because it can be life changing to be sure! I now know that I CAN tell someone about this without fear of being tossed into the looney-bin since it is real and receive help to find my personal cure :-D
Again thanks!
Jess
Oh jeeze! I forgot to write the reason I went through that near rant in the first?place!! The reason I listed the thoughts, which are predominantly negative, was to ask anyone who is dealing with this and have ever felt the thoughts I just listed out to look for the positives! Clinical sounding, I know but give it a shot please! Some of mine are:
ReplyDelete*this internal struggle IS the rock bottom, therefore I have identified it & now can absolutely work higher since evidently I can deal with bottom after soooo many years of already doing so!
*I mentioned that I was smart, therefore I can & will figure out a solution!
*I see that this IS a disorder, not just me, therefore I CAN ask for help /guidance to work through this. That means I will have support (personally for once), and I DO NOT have to do it alone! Oh yay :-D
I can keep going with my positives since once you get that ball rolling it turns into a boulder and crushes all opposition! I hope this can be of help to someone, my only true advice: If you even momentarily thought about "maybe" talking to a professional helper, DO IT RIGHT NOW! Before a little fear tingles, before just a little self doubt pushes & before negativity squeeks by...because if you have berrated yourself for being strong enough to stop by yourself if you "really wanted to" then you have admitted that YOU ARE STRONG ENOUGH, but doubt is pretty strong and you don't want to loose all that could be gained because of a bit of hesitancy!!