Hmmmm.....

Somehow, I get a sort of perverse pleasure from doing what I do to myself. It's so odd, I know that I shouldn't do it, I know that it destroys my skin and my self-esteem, and I know that I want to stop.

So why can't I? What is it about this disorder that keeps reeling me back in, even after quitting, sometimes for weeks at a time? It makes no sense to me. They tell me that it's some sort of impulse control thing, where picking makes me feel like I'm in control of my skin. But I disagree, because I have no control over my picking whatsoever. At lest it seems that way....

To me, it feels like my picking controls nearly every aspect of my life: my social life, because I feel that people can only see my horrible skin, rather than who I am as a person. My professional life because I feel that no one really takes me seriously when I look like I have a disease or that I'm an adolescent with a bad skin problem, take your pick....

Now, you'll notice that I start a lot of my sentences start with "I feel". There's a good reason for that. The impacts that my skin has on various aspects of my life, as I described above, are mostly just in my head. If you were to ask those closest to me, or even those I have been fortunate enough to meet in my online dermatillomania forums, most would tell you that they don't really notice my skin. In fact, I'm told on a fairly regular basis that I'm beautiful or "hot", even by complete strangers, so, theoretically anyway, my skin can't be as bad as I think it is, can it?

This condition, this curse, this cross for me to bear, has whittled away at my self-esteem for the past 9 years, and let me tell ya, I don't have a whole lot left.

I want to stop, I need to stop, I just don't know if I can make myself allow myself to stop. It's kind of like being bipolar, in a way: half my brain would do anything to make the picking stop, and the other half would do anything to keep going. Unfortunately, the latter half seems to be winning. Which makes me sad.

And so this inner war-like turmoil rages on....

Back in the Saddle Again

It's been a REALLY long time since my last post, but Life kind of got in the way. Sorries!!

I got a new job back in January. I hate it. =( At first it wasn't so bad, but now it just drains me, physically and emotionally. I'm a customer service representative for Time Warner Cable's New York/New Jersey division. So basically, I spend my days taking calls from angry New Yorkers who yell at me because their bill is too high or their equipment doesn't work, etc., etc. Needless to say, it's a pretty stressful job. And because of this, my skin and my picking have both gotten worse over the past few months.

Some better news: I'm in the middle of the hiring process right now for a job that I really want: managing a campus call center that would raise funds for the campus. I used to be a caller at one of these back when I was in college and I loved it, so I'm really hoping that I get this. They have locations all across the country, but none in my home state of Wisconsin, so I'd have to move, but I'm really ok with that. I'm hoping for Florida. =)

Alrighty, on to a subject more relevant to the subject of this blog. Lol.

I've started writing my lines again. It's been about a day and a half since I last picked and, just like last time, I'm seeing results already. Now this new-found resolve to get Back in the Saddle (Haha, see what I did there? I incorporated the title of the blog into the blog! Awesome, right?) didn't come just out of the blue. I had a little push from a friend by the name of Angie Hartlin, author of "FOREVER MARKED: A Dermatillomania Diary". Once I get back on my feet financially, I definitely plan to buy the book, I've heard a ton of great things about it. But what actually inspired me was that she contacted me about one of the photos that I had posted of myself in the Dermatillomania Awareness group on Facebook.

She's doing a project in which she photoshopps pictures of derm sufferers to show our "true identities". So this is the end result:

And you can find more of her work here: http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?ref=profile&id=69204020#!/photo.php?pid=4022474&id=177738602694 (although you might have to join the group or become a fan or whatever in order to see them).

But seeing myself without any blemishes for the first time since I was 14 kind of lit of fire under me. Now, I really want to look like that photo, in real life, with no makeup. I think this just might be the visual incentive I need to help me get there.

So thank you, Ms. Hartlin, for giving me the push I needed to try again.


♥